lefthandedism wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:43 am

alittledizzy wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:19 pm

shan wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:06 pm

dontpanic wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:22 pm

shan wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 11:24 pm I don’t have much to add because this isn’t a conversation I enjoy but I have strong doubts that 140-character Dan once every few weeks is more authentic than an hour twice a week Dan we got for several months but that’s just me.

Dan stating in his book that he was ghosted by a bunch of people when he reached out to them because the only thing he was offering was friendship also isn’t very fitting with the horny jokes Dan makes being genuine. If thinking they aren't together makes some people happy, that's fine! But acting like people who think they are together are the illogical ones is a bit of a stretch.

I’m sorry if this has already been heavily discussed, I haven’t visited IDB for over a month, but would you (or anyone) mind expanding on this a bit more? Like, why was he ghosted, like what was the context?

Sorry for double posting, trying to catch up on the thread

Sure! I don't have access to my physical copy atm but I quickly typed out the full quote from the audiobook:

When I started making a conscious effort to fix my friendzone I reached out to other performers I admired and even total strangers in some video games I played. It wasn’t all a success; I was left on read a lot to which others tried to tell me they were probably just busy, but I knew the truth. Not naming names but a few figures clearly wanted to dive into something other than light conversation and were suddenly less interested when mutual interests were the only thing I spread on the table.

The context was how different relationships impact your mental health and making sure the people you have as friends or part of your 'inner circle' etc. aren't detrimental to it. The last part always felt a bit unnecessary to me and like he only included it to subtly make the point that he's not available, at least that's how it came across to me!

That's absolutely how I read that bit too. He was fairly pointed in making sure he added that he wasn't interested in anything besides friendship from people he reached out to.

I don't disagree, but I read that as more generally not wanting to be hit on by someone you've reached out to as a friend. I imagine Dan's had his fair share of getting hit on.

shan wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:59 am

lefthandedism wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:43 am

alittledizzy wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:19 pm

shan wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:06 pm

dontpanic wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:22 pm

shan wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 11:24 pm I don’t have much to add because this isn’t a conversation I enjoy but I have strong doubts that 140-character Dan once every few weeks is more authentic than an hour twice a week Dan we got for several months but that’s just me.

Dan stating in his book that he was ghosted by a bunch of people when he reached out to them because the only thing he was offering was friendship also isn’t very fitting with the horny jokes Dan makes being genuine. If thinking they aren't together makes some people happy, that's fine! But acting like people who think they are together are the illogical ones is a bit of a stretch.

I’m sorry if this has already been heavily discussed, I haven’t visited IDB for over a month, but would you (or anyone) mind expanding on this a bit more? Like, why was he ghosted, like what was the context?

Sorry for double posting, trying to catch up on the thread

Sure! I don't have access to my physical copy atm but I quickly typed out the full quote from the audiobook:

When I started making a conscious effort to fix my friendzone I reached out to other performers I admired and even total strangers in some video games I played. It wasn’t all a success; I was left on read a lot to which others tried to tell me they were probably just busy, but I knew the truth. Not naming names but a few figures clearly wanted to dive into something other than light conversation and were suddenly less interested when mutual interests were the only thing I spread on the table.

The context was how different relationships impact your mental health and making sure the people you have as friends or part of your 'inner circle' etc. aren't detrimental to it. The last part always felt a bit unnecessary to me and like he only included it to subtly make the point that he's not available, at least that's how it came across to me!

That's absolutely how I read that bit too. He was fairly pointed in making sure he added that he wasn't interested in anything besides friendship from people he reached out to.

I don't disagree, but I read that as more generally not wanting to be hit on by someone you've reached out to as a friend. I imagine Dan's had his fair share of getting hit on.

I'd be inclined to agree with you if it didn't feel like such an unnecessary addition to the point he was making. He could have easily left it at "I was getting left on read a lot" which is part of being vulnerable, you win some, you lose some etc. etc. Choosing to add in the bit about being hit on and saying no thanks doesn't quite fit right with the rest of that segment imo. That's why it felt like more of a purposeful point to me.

Levitating wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:49 am

shan wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:59 am

lefthandedism wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:43 am

alittledizzy wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:19 pm

shan wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:06 pm

dontpanic wrote: Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:22 pm

I’m sorry if this has already been heavily discussed, I haven’t visited IDB for over a month, but would you (or anyone) mind expanding on this a bit more? Like, why was he ghosted, like what was the context?

Sorry for double posting, trying to catch up on the thread

Sure! I don't have access to my physical copy atm but I quickly typed out the full quote from the audiobook:

When I started making a conscious effort to fix my friendzone I reached out to other performers I admired and even total strangers in some video games I played. It wasn’t all a success; I was left on read a lot to which others tried to tell me they were probably just busy, but I knew the truth. Not naming names but a few figures clearly wanted to dive into something other than light conversation and were suddenly less interested when mutual interests were the only thing I spread on the table.

The context was how different relationships impact your mental health and making sure the people you have as friends or part of your 'inner circle' etc. aren't detrimental to it. The last part always felt a bit unnecessary to me and like he only included it to subtly make the point that he's not available, at least that's how it came across to me!

That's absolutely how I read that bit too. He was fairly pointed in making sure he added that he wasn't interested in anything besides friendship from people he reached out to.

I don't disagree, but I read that as more generally not wanting to be hit on by someone you've reached out to as a friend. I imagine Dan's had his fair share of getting hit on.

I'd be inclined to agree with you if it didn't feel like such an unnecessary addition to the point he was making. He could have easily left it at "I was getting left on read a lot" which is part of being vulnerable, you win some, you lose some etc. etc. Choosing to add in the bit about being hit on and saying no thanks doesn't quite fit right with the rest of that segment imo. That's why it felt like more of a purposeful point to me.

I've not read the chapter, but that "mutual interests" as the only thing put on the table made me actually think that he was saying how avoiding being vulnerable does not create connections?
Like, if you want to make friends but only want to talk about your shared interest in Lord of The Rings, you're not allowing them to know you outside of it.
I've personally experienced people saying that I keep putting up a wall because there are environments where I actually know that I am not there "to make friends" but to fangirl all together about somethings - like we do here at IDB! I bet those of who have been here for a while know that there is a difference between just talking about DnP and then developing a relationship once DnP becomes a secondary topic to mutual investment in knowing the person behind that interest!

shan wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:37 pm
This might depend on how outgoing you are and your stage of life. When you're in school or work in an environment surrounded by people, a lot of the time friendships develop out of convenience so there's not the same need to have a common interest to make an initial connection.

Making friendships outside of these areas, however, is usually all about mutual interests. Otherwise, how will you ever come across them? I made a very good friend last year talking about animal crossing on reddit. I felt very vulnerable reaching out and saying 'hey, I've really enjoyed talking to you and I'd love to hang out if you're interested'. Maybe this is something that comes easily to people who are outgoing, but as someone who is decidedly not, it was incredibly intimidating! So I do relate very strongly with what Dan is saying here. The act of reaching out can make you feel vulnerable because people could always reject your interest. The vulnerability in terms of sharing parts of yourself with that person usually comes later.

eta: for further context, this paragraph was specifically talking about turning an acquaintance into a friend.

a few figures clearly wanted to dive into something other than light conversation and were suddenly less interested when mutual interests were the only thing I spread on the table.

alittledizzy wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 7:47 pm Phil community post! New video at 6 pm tomorrow.

Levitating wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 8:30 pm

a few figures clearly wanted to dive into something other than light conversation and were suddenly less interested when mutual interests were the only thing I spread on the table.

People were suggesting that these less interested people were perhaps flirting with him but he only wanted a friendship.
I instead was suggesting that perhaps he was not being vulnerable with them and that's why they lost interested in him as a potential friend. By being vulnerable, I mean that he was keeping the conversation's focus only on their mutual interest, without delving into personal details, which is a way to keep up wall and prevents you from truly connect with others.
Because right now you and I are invested in the conversation and probably could talk a lot about this, but we are not being personal thus there is no connection between us beyond our mutual interest (Dan). And this can happen in real life, when you share that mutual interest but then don't go for that coffee to chat about this other than the mutual interest (work/family/dreams etc) - or when you go, but you keep shutting any personal conversation because you prefer to keeping them "light".

rizzo wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 2:56 pm I'm.... I'm sorry. Is that a bar?? On... on their bed? Is that a bed? Is that a bar to hold onto on a bed that we are seeing???

shan wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 3:03 pm

rizzo wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 2:56 pm I'm.... I'm sorry. Is that a bar?? On... on their bed? Is that a bed? Is that a bar to hold onto on a bed that we are seeing???

Kinky. Looking forward to the fanfic this new insight will inspire!

shan wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 3:03 pm

rizzo wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 2:56 pm I'm.... I'm sorry. Is that a bar?? On... on their bed? Is that a bed? Is that a bar to hold onto on a bed that we are seeing???

Kinky. Looking forward to the fanfic this new insight will inspire!

alittledizzy wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 3:19 pm Okay real talk though, we've seen this room before (we've even seen the bar in a reflection and people thought it was a shelf or lights) and it is the room with the framed photo of Phil's family from before Dan even knew them so I feel like that should sufficiently lay to rest anyone's doubt that Dan and Phil share a bedroom.

fruitcriminals wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 5:37 pm Damn. You do one ritualistic dance and there Phil is in a suit. Thankfully I have an industrial sized ice pack.

liola wrote: Thu Aug 12, 2021 5:53 pm That suit looks so fucking good on him I'm actually blown away by how hot he is holy shit